I AM

I am Benner.

I am the Anti-Borg.



Hear me roar,

L

Danger, Will Robinson, DANGER!

As I made my breakfast this morning, some giggles escaped as I recalled a surreal sight from a few days earlier.

It was pouring rain as Newf and I drove through the city. Suddenly, my eye caught sight of a senseless senior standing in her driveway. She was a tiny thing with tightly curled white hair, and every other attribute one would assume a cute little old lady to have (including the tight-lipped grimace).

The woman stood firmly planted in a puddle, both hands tightly grasping a mighty and massive leaf blower. For whatever reason, the lady was hell-bent on blowing the wet leaves clumped and congregating in her driveway.

At first glance, the whole scene seemed merely silly, not stupid. Why this lady needed to clear leaves from her driveway on a sopping wet, soaker of a morning was questionable, but certainly not crazy. What was a little nutty was the fact that this lady was using an electric leaf blower. Not a word of a lie - this woman stood soaking wet, gripping her blower with gut-so, a long yellow extension chord trailing from the blower to the nearest available electrical outlet.

Did I mention it was raining really hard?

As I described the scene to Newf, interchanging chuckles with concern, he matter-of-factly glanced in my direction and said: "Lindsay, when you get to be that age you just don't give a fuck anymore."

Fast forward to this morning. As I made my breakfast, I couldn't help but be saddened by the idea of a funky, fearless lady who no longer cared about her safety. That's exactly when my bagel got stuck in the toaster.

Naturally, I grabbed a fork to fish it out.

I looked at the fork, and then looked at the burning bagel as said, "Fuck it, I'm going to fork it."

Let's just say that I lived to tell the tale. My breakfast was saved - and that little lady got her driveway cleared. It was a lesson well-learned: sometimes, rules are made to be broken.

Sounds good to me.

Your dangerous diner,

L

PS. Please let me stress that this is a humorous piece, and is in no way meant to suggest that holding electrical equipment while standing in a puddle (or in any way covered in moisture) is a good idea. Please do not try this at home.

PPS. Just in case, I should also stress that inserting metal objects into electrical appliances is also a bad idea. You can try this at home, but don't hold me responsible if you die or get harmed in any way. You may also ruin your hair.

Wordless Wednesday: Storm Front VI

It's been a gusty night in London, Ontario, my freaky friends!

Lots to discuss, but for now, my best shot of the night:



This storm was like nothing I have ever experienced before.

My thoughts if the thunder or tornadoes thrashed you tonight,

L

Melting and Mushy

Today, my intriguing Internet friends, this song is for you.

After your lovely response to my return, I couldn't help but send you all a shout out. Partially because you are all so damn cute, but mainly because you make me feel so damn good.

You see, this year I have made a conscious effort to discuss the things (about me) that make me feel extremely ill-at-ease. My hopes were that all this "talk therapy" would ease my insecurities while reducing some of the stigma some of my nearest-and-dearest felt about some of the problems plaguing my own person.

It seems, that like my attempted giveaway, I have only succeeded in falling flat on my face.

That's okay - because you know what? I can laugh about it now. Six months ago, that wouldn't have happened.

I attribute a major part of my small success to you, my beautiful blogging buddies.

You guys ROCK. MY. WORLD.

Thanks people. Your comments, emails and good old fashioned tongue-in-cheek movement (and I mean that in all seriousness) really mean a lot.

You really make me smile; I hope I can do the same for you.

Now for the music. Keep reading, we aren't done yet.

Emphasizing the Employed

Well boys and girls, I guess I better drop the bomb.

I got a job.

Yep, that's right - this lady will no longer be living a life of leisure. I'm a working girl now.

Well, two weeks from now. Then I'll be the biggest bad ass employee you've ever seen. That's right, a big bad ass who bikes to work and vomits when faced with the prospect of public interaction.

I only got sick twice this morning. It could've been worse - once I got so nervous on a pet-themed photo shoot I graced a garbage can with the remnants of my lunch. I missed, slightly, but no worries, a lovely retriever took care of it.

I got some really good pictures of him and his owner was happy, so I called it a wash.

Thank goodness the majority of my new position is telephone based. Otherwise, it could get messy. I've worked the phones before, I know what they are about and I'm pretty darn good at what I do.

I'm paid to be happy. Let's just say I'm good with a mute button and even better with a flipped finger thumbs up.

I'm so cool. Like really, blistering and completely bitching cool.

Actually, I am. Do you know anyone else with paper puke bags decorated with glitter?

A life in the day of Linnie.

What do you think of me now? Is the glitter too much?

Faintly flippant,

L

The Parentals Have Crossed Over

Today The Parentals found land. That means that my retired parents have successfully just sailed across the Atlantic Ocean on a 38 foot boat. .

It only took them twenty-four days. Rumour has it, they ran out of liquor around the fourteen day mark. Let's just say they've been drifting for awhile.

You can read all about it on my Dad's blog, Benners Adrift, if you are so inclined.

Way to go Parentals.

Happy my parents rock (and the ocean didn't rock them),

L

It's a Gaggle....Of Geese

I know that it isn't Wednesday, but I'm feeling a little dangerous and wanted to break back into this blogging with something a little droll.

The Newf snapped and sent me this picture on his way home from work. We were still in Toronto at the time.

Something about this straggling gaggle just seemed fitting. They look like my kind of geese - the feisty, flapped, Canadian kind.

Giggling at the gaggle,

L

*Note: Let it be known you should not approach Canadian geese - they can get a little nasty. When I get a goose (and I will get a goose) it will be of the white garden variety. I will feed it toast from the window and give it a good Dutch name. I promise.

I'm AWOL!

Dear Bloggy Friends,

My computer is dead.

While I try to revive my dearest technological buddy, please remember to brush your teeth. Don't forget flossing (I kid, we all know no one actually flosses)!

Bringing disco back,

L

Sunday Update: Moving Onward or Upward

"What's up with you lately?"

An innocent but loaded question as of late.

What am I doing right now? Watching the Vancouver-San Jose game.

What am I doing this week? Painting some walls. For the first time. Yep, you got it, this girl is getting her newly painted nails a little bit dirty. Well, hopefully not that dirty - white isn't my colour (and I don't think polish remover does much with paint).

What am I doing this month? Moving. A month ago, the Newf lost his job. A week later The Parentals advised they were looking to rent out their basement apartment. We made the executive decision to jump on the opportunity. Between our general dislike for the city of Toronto, and the ease of my transferring to a school in London it seemed like an obvious choice.

This move has been a humbling process, and I don't quite know how I feel about it yet. To secure my mind in the positive, I've decided to make a list of my pros and cons:

First, the pros:

1.) We will likely save a pretty penny on rent. Once the Parentals advise of the rental fee, I can confirm this, but it almost guaranteed the rent will be less than the cost of our studio apartment in the Toronto Beaches.

2.) I get to paint. Something about playing with colour gets me a little hot and bothered.

3.) Our place is a separate apartment, so theoretically the loss of privacy will be minimal.

4.) My younger brother, Jake, lives upstairs. At five years my junior he makes me feel young again.

5.) We really, really like the city of London. The tiny village I grew up in is a mere thirty minutes away, so I know what I'm getting myself into.

6.) It has a classy address. Sorry kids, I can't post it here, but I can assure you that I'm not living on a street that makes you do a double take. Nope, no Piccadilly Street for me; and yes, that superficial fact matters to me.

7.) I can (theoretically) transfer with ease to a photography program here in London. Once I get in, I will have 24/7 access to a full photography studio.

8.) My new apartment is complete with a wet bar. It has a beautiful polished wood bar that makes my liver tingle with excitement (my liver has always erred on the side of danger).

With this extensive list, let's look at the cons:

1.) We have to move. All of that cleaning, packing and unpacking is so much work. Once you include the address changes to that equation my eye starts to twitch.

2.) While it is a separate apartment with tons of potential, it is in the Parentals' basement. At twenty six (almost twenty seven) it is a humbling process. Not to mention a younger sister who is looking for apartments double my rent, and a little green monster is making a certain appearance.

3.) Despite the separate space, I am sharing the overall home with family. My family is cool, but they are still my family. Point made.

4.) My dog has suddenly turned into our dog. It isn't a matter that people are trying to lay claim to my furry friend, but more a fact that my family of dog lovers all have a different way of doing things. In my house, my dog is not allowed to sleep on the bed or sit on the couch. He is not fed from the table, even if he is really working the "I'm-sad-and-hungy" look. I keep tight restraints on his amount and type of exercise. Unfortunately, not everyone agrees and my carefully laid consistency has gone out the window. But, when your dog tops the scale at 140 pounds, can easily set his head on the table and has heartbreakingly bad elbow dysplasia we can talk. I'm going to have to let go a little bit, and I hate that.

5.) With its close proximity to my hometown, it is almost guaranteed that I will run into someone I know. Odds are, it will be a day I have not showered and am covered in paint.

6.) I have never painted. This could be a disaster.

7.) With my newfound geographical closeness to my immediate family I must begin to assert myself a little bit more. With anyone else a quick passive aggressive response would do, but I'm stuck with these people for life. The process is sure to ruffle some feathers, on both sides of the fence.

8.) It will be much more difficult to feign ignorance to all the nasty little tidbits of information I have on my siblings. Being the oldest of three, I tend to hear about everything the siblings do not have the guts to voice to the Parentals. Sometimes it is very rewarding. Right now it frustrating. Something about being expected to provide sympathy for a sibling who has provided the unabridged story six months ago is a little bit trying. I need to learn to walk away. I hate that too.

At first glance it may seem that this list is pretty even keeled. I may be crying over spilt milk. But, that is all resolved with the last listed pro. My new place has a wet bar. I have a pile of liquor and a hot husband. I have a brother who encourages intoxication.

Things will work themselves out. I can't say the same for the painting.

What are you working through right now?

Humbly at home,

L

DUKE NUKEM (Forever)

Earlier today (or yesterday, if you want to get technical) the Newf and I went for a drive around town.

We ended up shopping for some games for the Newf's new Nintendo DSi.

He got incredibly excited when he saw that the "DUKE NUKEM: Forever" game finally has a release date.

He got so excited, the Newf showcased his sensitive side:

It's a rare occasion, so it needed to be marked. To celebrate we purchased a "Happy Birthday" slab cake which we brought home to a house filled with the Parentals, the sister and brother. It was complete with smiling flowers, bumble bees and a GIANT sun.

There was no birthday, but there was cake.

Then, the Newf got drunk. I painted my nails. It was a good day.

How was yours?

Seeping with silly,

L

The Tempur-Pedic Tantrum

Good morning.

It's been a long time, my friends.

It all started with a tantrum I threw.

You would have been so proud.

It all started with an idea I had. It was an original idea - a good idea. Apparently it was so good that many felt the need to copy it. And so, like an original Xerox machine the idea was used and abused until it was streaky and just not pretty at all.

Then, I had a tantrum. I refused to put out any more original ideas, saving all my best material for those who would follow the proper channels and all of the rules.

Then, I remembered that I may be a bitch, but I'm not a bureaucrat.

So, I'm back. For now. Lord only knows when I'll get grumpy again.

Beating the bureaucrat,

L

Beckham for the Bug Eyed

When you are done watching the Beckham, watch the ball.

You won't regret it.

That is all.

That's one special sphere,

L

Here I Am (The Public Health Threat)

Hurumph.

Friends, I am slightly bitter over here in Linnie Land.

It all started last week, on Wednesday: while standing in line at the grocery store I sneezed. I wish I could say it was a cute little girl sneeze - one of the barely there blow outs, but no, it was not.

As I've mentioned before, the Powers that Be have decided my motto is "go big or go home". My sneezes are no exception, to be completely honest, I sneeze like a horse. Big and beautiful. I do, of course, ensure that my nose and mouth are pointed in such a direction as to limit the contact of my sneeze by-product with the rest of the public.

Unfortunately, none of this seemed to matter. In one quick swoop I had been push to the bottom of the public pool, I was infected. All conversations halted and I was cut out and ignored.

I was the new leper on the block, and baby, I rocked it.

Regardless, I went home furious that the public fear of disease has grown so great. I laughed at the hens behind me clucking about their insatiable need for anti-bacterial cleansers, gels and sprays.

I satisfied myself with their ignorance (all those anti-bacterial products do nothing but clean the weakest of germs, leaving the big bad ones to infect you) and my newly purchased chocolate ice cream.

A week later, I am sick. My face is leaking, I am freezing cold and my skin hurts. I have enough mucus to feed a small army (if armies ate mucus).

To you ladies in the grocery store: touche.

You have won the battle, but I will win the war.

What is your view on anti-bacterial? Are you pro Purell?

Fighting the (ferocious) flu,

L

It's Freaking Friday: And This is a (Creative) School Thing

Good afternoon dudes and dudettes!

This is actually a quick post for a school project, but, feel free to follow along.

If you are a massive fan of "Where's Waldo" this may be your cup of tea. Or it might not, we will find out.

That being said, today I have to submit an example of "The Databased Image". There have been some pretty neat examples floating around, check out the work of
Chris Jordan for some really freaky examples.

Let's just say I'm taking a different approach. I don't have any dead dodos lying around so I thought I'd provide a little example of my online database. Think of it as a scavenger hunt without a prize.

THE GOAL: You want to find this picture:

It is located *somewhere* in the bowels of this blog.

THE HINT: Because (I assume) my classmates are not frequent fliers here at Linnie gets Laced I assume you don't know the handles of the blogging world, or my blogging world, for that matter.

The boy in the picture is known as "The Newf". Yes, he's my Newfoundland lovah, and yes, he makes a mean plate of fish and chips.

The dog in my picture is known in these parts as "The Beast", mostly because, well, he is a giant beast.

You can locate the picture using a couple of different methods. Check out the post information bar below, and the sidebar for some locating love.

It's an IQ test, and the timer starts NOW! Good luck!

Looking for a likeness,

L

Duck, Duck, No Wait, It's a Goose!

My goodness, this is embarrassingly late. Some time ago, a love cupcake craving chick tagged me in a game of "Duck-Duck-Goose".

First, the girl. She is absolutely adorable, and I just love her blog. You'll love her too, especially if you love to bake.

Now, the game. I am required to post fifteen facts about myself, and then tag five new bloggers to complete their own list.

This was no small order. Partially because I am still chuckling over my original list, partially because I am always nervous opening myself up to the Internet.

"Why on earth do I blog?", you ask? That's a good question. I'll let you know when I have a good answer. I'm full of little idiosyncrasies like that.

Okay, that was a freebie. These bits are on the books:

1.) I am a photography student (although it still feels weird to say that).

2.) Photoshop and I have a love/hate relationship. We love to hate each other. Seriously. Hate.

3.) The majority of my photography projects, to date, have included a somewhat morbid theme. I tell myself it just "happens" that way, so I don't feel like such a weirdo.

4.) Big Brother? No. You need to be worried about me. I see everything, I make predictions and I am right most of the time.

5.) I respect your right to make your own lifestyle choices, although, it is highly unlikely I agree with them.

6.) Speaking of, I have a couple of friends I need to dump; I hate doing it, and never quite get around to it. Here's hoping you aren't on the chopping block.

7.) My spare brain storage goes to any, and all, etiquette rules. I love to know how I should be acting.

8.) I judge you by your wedding invitations.

9.) I also judge you by your table manners. However, all bets are off if we are wearing pyjamas.

10.) Pizza is, by far, my favourite food.

11.) Guilty pleasures? Baywatch and The Bachelor.

12.) I have never whitened my teeth.

13.) My little sister left for the army in September. She has some high ranking intelligence job and I don't really get to know where she is. I don't like to talk about it, because it makes me miss her more.

14.) There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that my husband will do anything and everything to keep me safe, no matter what.

15.) Chivalry turns me on (when it comes from a non incestuous source).

So, that is the list of Linnie. I hope that will tide you over until I create another one. Now, for the new bloggers.

The fabulously talented (and sweeter than sugar) Ana, at i made it so.
Ms. Charlie, who you can find at the best fashion blog:Heart Charlie. Forget the other fashionistas, this girl rocks my world.
The lovely Tammy George, a pure fan of colour who can be found at Punk Rawk Purl
The (knitting) needle neurotic Zoe, at A Giraffe in a Scarf. Check out her hats!
And finally, the crafty maven and an old favourite of mine, Chantilly, who calls from her corner My Girl Thursday.

GOOSE, you're it. Let's see if you are paying attention. We all know I wasn't.

I must might be crazy,

L

The Apple of my Storm

Darling readers,

Tonight I sit and wait. Tonight, the snow is coming.

For days the weatherman has promised the snowstorm of the year - high winds, lots of snow and even "thunder snow" (if you imagined snow and thunder, you'd be right). Services and schools have been cancelled in advance, and the sheep of the city have been bustling about collecting supplies and fretting about the frost.

Friends, I am not concerned. It is just a little bit of snow - this is what we Canadians are built for.

I am old enough to remember the Ice Storm of '98. I am old enough to remember when losing power was a problem and we had a kitchen full of neighbours huddling around our gas stove. Finally, I am old enough to remember my father filling up every pot and container we had with water, lest we really get snowed in.

Those were the best snow storms.

Tomorrow, instead of cursing the commute, think of those who call the street home. Think of those who are really braving the cold. Consider what we can do to help.

But tonight, when you are happy at home, enjoy the moment.

I know that with a Newfoundland man to my left, a Newfoundland dog to my right, and the Environment Canada radar onscreen, I'll be just fine.

My lights are off, but we are all home. We are the freaks who fret about a lack of snow.

Hoping for some havoc,

L

My Mid-January Resolutions (Because I Never Follow the Crowd)

Right now I allow myself to be dominated by a fire that stole my belongings, and what I thought was my life.

As you can imagine, it really only stole what I let it (in a philosophical sense of course, I had no choice in the flame-licking fun).

And so, it is necessary that I declare death on the past, for it really is dead (or crispy, if you will).

I need to be focussed on the now and the "what will be", because allowing death to dominate does nothing but kill my knowledge.

"Knowledge is thirst" and I think I need a cocktail. A really, really big cocktail; I deserve it.

So please, my friends, join me on my journey from scared to striking.

This journey begins with two resolutions ('tis the season):
-> My nails (fingers and feet) will remain polished and pristine
-> My story, titled "Blown Apart", will be finished, and I will finally let go.

To start my life as a fresh faced wonder, I plan on purchasing some fabulous foundation (aka makeup). Nothing too heavy, and nothing to light - I need something just right.

Any suggestions ladies and gents?

Facing my freedom,

L

Squirrely About School

Good evening my lovelies!

I have wonderful news: my Mac is home! I was lost without it, but now, I am found - I hope (if not, I am in for a world of hurt).

In the meantime I am getting ready for school to start on Monday.

Right now I am four parts excitement and three parts nervousness. Sleep is alluding me even now, so I will be a walking zombie for the first month.

Any suggestions on switching my sleep schedule around?

Sleeping while I can,

L

And a New Year Begins...

Happy New Year, my lovelies!

Hopefully you rang in the new and said goodbye to the old with a vengeance.

I, on the other hand, am battling a nasty cold. The way I see it, I'll rid myself of all the bad karma early in the year so I can enjoy the end!

Unfortunately, it seems as though my dear computer has caught wind of my cold and I must send it into the dealer for repairs. Fingers crossed that I will not be without my good friend for long.

This is an exciting week - I start school on January 11, and the Newf and I have plans to visit the Toronto Boat Show with the Parentals this coming Saturday!

How has your year begun? Good? Bad? Indifferent?

I hope you had a wonderful holiday, and all the best getting back into the grind tomorrow!

That is all for now!

Blowing my nose,

L

Merry Christmas

My darling readers,

I hope you have a lovely holiday season.

I'll catch you all in the New Year. I think it is going to be a good one.

Home with the family,

L