Merry Christmas

My darling readers,

I hope you have a lovely holiday season.

I'll catch you all in the New Year. I think it is going to be a good one.

Home with the family,

L

My Christmas Card Carol

After a very long night with pen in hand,

I've just finished my Christmas card demand.

You may snicker, you may sneer,

But I've beat my record from last year.

In need of a stiff drink for my stiff hand,

L

A Day to Remember

Ladies and gentlemen,

Lest we forget.

Today is a day to remember, remember what so many have sacrificed to ensure we could enjoy the ultimate comfort, our freedom.

I am not going to prattle on about my experiences and relations with war or the veterans that fought in them. I am not because we as a generation have no understanding of war. We have no understanding of true hardship and absolute sacrifice. We have only the stories our veterans relay, the knowledge that humans are capable of horrible things.

We are not victims. We are not, because they protected us.

So today, please wear your poppy with pride. Please remember that today has nothing to do with us, but it has everything to do with passing on the invaluable message of our aging generation. Today is about their message and having the ability to tell it.

Lest we forget.

Yours,

L

Happy Halloween: A Foiled Pumpkin Plan

'Tis the Halloween season. Perhaps the best party season of the year, we were treated to have Friday and Saturday devoted to the evening of the dead. Sure, Christmas is fun, but all the eggnog can get a little boring (and never settles well with rum).

You know what does settle well with rum? A hot costume on a deliciously healthy body.

In the past I have held Halloween parties with a vengeance. One of my (and my roommates') best was a costume keg party, complete with Texas mickeys, random handcuffing and a live psychic.

This year, however, we were not as lucky. This year, the Newf, the Beast and myself have been fighting the stomach flu. Sexy. There has been so much fluid floating around here that we don't know which way is up; adding booze did not seem prudent (we only have one toilet).

Regardless of the bugs and bodily waste we thought it important to send a shoutout to one of the best holidays of the year. We had to set up on the sidewalk, close to the action and close to the kids. The Newf and I had an idea, one we had seen executed perfectly in the past.

We planned to plunk a pumpkin on my head, stuff my clothes with straw and set me up next to a bowl of candy. The Newf was going to lurk in the bushes with a video camera. When the unsuspecting children helped themselves I was going to jump to life and scare the living daylights out of these kids (and hopefully their parents).

If only we had gotten that far.

It took me forever to find a pumpkin. Apparently city folk have one size pumpkin: small. My head is size unusually large. We spent $30 on a pumpkin, thirty dollars, but it was a massive pumpkin. I scooped the guts out and drew a face on the bad boy while the Newf was at work. A hole was carefully carved in the bottom to ensure a tight, but comfortable, fit.

We had to give up on straw. Apparently city folk have no straw either; leaves would have to do. What they feed their livestock I do not know.

At the appointed hour I stuffed my clothes full of leaves (I assure you, it is not comfortable) and waddled out to the required chair.

With our plan ready to go and the sun setting the Newf hit the bushes. It was then I felt the gurgle; it was the gurgle of death.

"Newf, I don't feel so hot."

"Really? Are you okay?" the Newf inquired.

"Yeah, I guess. I just, I really don't feel good."

"Linds, you were fine five minutes ago. It is probably just nerves, you've always been the nervous type;" Newf suggested. "Besides, I think I see some kids!"

"Newf, I don't feel good, I gotta go."

"Lindsay, you are a scarecrow now. Scarecrows don't have stomachs, they have nerves of steel. Take a deep breath, it'll be fine. I promised you won't get arrested. There is a whole group of kids coming!"

I took a deep breath and that's when it all ended. We were so close.

I threw up in my pumpkin.

Not only did I vomit in the orange ball of bitterness, but I was trapped. I ended up on all fours, bringing up bile like it was going out of style, blindly pawing at the pumpkin, while a group of children watched. The Newf was laughing so hard he forgot to tape the scene (there is a God).

When I finally pulled my head out it was covered in puke. I had spew dripping down my face, pooling under my shirt collar and even up my nose.

"Cool!" one of the kids exclaimed. Not only was my plan thwarted, but these kids thought this was all a stunt.

"Oh really?" I questioned, still pissed off that my $30 pumpkin was now filled with the product of my purging.

I stepped towards the group and the kids' mother lost her cookies.

At least all was not lost: I was cool. She is just weak.

Needless to say, the Newf passed the candy out and I took a shower. There are no pictures; at least, there better not be.

Hope your tricks went as planned. Did you dress up?

Pickled in puke,

L

Back in Black, For Now

Good evening my electronic locals!

Did you miss me?

Well, regardless of your love (or lack thereof) I am back, for now. In my absence a few things happened. Let's recap:

1.) Thanksgiving: can you say YUM? While my turkey day was turkey-free (I blame the Parentals who were too busy living a life of adventure to cook me a turkey) it was fabulous. I ordered pizza.

2.) Grannie got the staples from her foot removed and I was there for the whole thing. I even have pictures! If you missed it, you can read all about her broken bone here. After being told she was not to shower or walk on it, the first thing she did was take a shower. I can hardly blame her I suppose, but, Grannie, please leave the sledgehammer at home.

3.) The Beast got some bad news. Being a large dog he is prone to dysplasia and it seems the D has effected the L; his elbow that is. The poor guy is limping around and he is still growing! He is still young and so we are hopeful he may grow out of it if we keep him quiet and consistently exercise the joint. It could go horribly wrong and we could end up putting him down early on but I just don't think so. The Beast is a dog set in his ways and right now, his ways include living. Dude is on a diet to keep him lean and we enjoy short walks. No more jaunts at the beach or slices of 'za on Friday nights. Well, maybe half a slice is okay - he's a big boy and he deserves to have a little fun.

4.) I won a MASSIVE giveaway. My darling friend has a wonderful crafty blog and Etsy store. Recently she hosted a giveaway and I won the first prize of a $75 gift certificate! Since I love her stuff, it won't last long. Word on the street has it she is making some new products - I can't wait! I'll post pictures of my purchases as I get them!

5.) I finished my mysterious project I had asked for your assistance a couple of weeks ago and I finally put your words to use! A big THANK YOU for all the responses! Look for my work later in the week!

6.) I have started the colourful journey of attempting to add more fruits and veggies to my diet. There is a wonderful foodie blogger who has offered to provide me tips on healthy eating. The caveat, I have to do one tip before I get another. How is that for punishment??!? This week I have to drink (or eat?) a smoothie. Problem is, it has a banana in it. I don't do banana's folks. I promise to let you know how the fruity feast goes.

All in all, it has been a busy week!

What have you been up to these past few weeks? Any particular events or accomplishments to speak of?

Working with the wicked,

L